


Damaged Goods

by Narjen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, M/M, One Shot, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27605492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narjen/pseuds/Narjen
Summary: Oikawa was at war with himself, trying to at least negotiate a ceasefire, but what were you supposed to do when one part was not keeping their end of the bargain? His mind had long turned into a war-zone, and it seemed like he was losing the battle.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 1
Kudos: 66





	Damaged Goods

**Author's Note:**

> Iwaizumi x Oikawa Oneshot. I started this a little back then, and totally forgot about it. So when I found it, I thought I should post it.

Gray clouds darkened the sky, and the slight drizzle felt cool on Oikawa’s bare skin. He had been running down the streets for what felt like hours until his legs couldn’t carry him anymore. He had come to a halt right in front of the railing of a bridge, solemnly staring down into the deep blue abyss of the water.

Toru couldn’t put into words how he felt. He had been struggling to express himself for months now. His body felt weak; fatigue, depression and self-hatred keeping him company, not intending to leave him alone any time soon, depriving him of the happiness he was supposed to feel.

He didn’t even know when or why his thoughts spiralled so out of control in the first place, but at least he could now see that he had a problem. Then again, when exactly did staying alive become a daily struggle of his? When exactly had the sharp end of the razor blade with which he cut his wrist become his best friend? This piece of metal had become the only thing that made him moderately feel anything beside the sweet pain that keeping up that perfectly crafted mask caused him.

At some point, Oikawa started wishing for his body to just disappear and turn into dust, so that his remains could to be carried away by the wind. He wanted to be free; free from the shackles he put on himself.

His cold hands touched the wet metal of the railing; they were shaking and the tears began rolling down his face. His lips were quivering, but beside a slight gasp, no sound made it past his chapped and dry lips. He didn’t sob, even though he wanted to.

Toru could hear the traffic from the road nearby, see the light of the street lamps sparkle on the surface of the lake, smell the asphalt that was wet from the rain, and taste the blood on his lips. All these senses mingled together, and soon the brunette’s thoughts swallowed up every little thing that was going on around him.

His chest heaved heavily as he started laughing, slumping down onto the ground while the grip on the railing remained as tight and desperate as before. He wanted someone to save him, but at the same time, he didn’t wish to be saved because maybe, he was bound to become part of a quite depressing statistic. Besides, there was nobody around to possibly save him anyway.

His frantic laughter resonated through the air, only to be completely drowned out by the sudden downpour.

The heavy raindrops were hitting his face as his teary eyes remained fixed on the dark, grey sky. There were no stars. Just a bleak, gloomy sea of grey that perfectly resembled his broken soul. The dull scenery described his meagre existence in a way, no words could.

There was no hope for him. He was a lost cause. His parents had been right all along. He was nothing, but a mere waste of space. There was no denying it anymore. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he gave; it was never good enough. He hadn’t been born with the raw talent that was needed to craft a diamond.

When Toru closed his eyes, he saw the shell-shocked faces of his friends flash up in front of his eyes, making him blink. Once. Then twice.

Yeah. There was no way he could face them again, only for them to turn their backs on him. Nobody wanted a ruined friend; a friend, who at times, couldn’t even bring himself to get out of bed. He was damaged goods.

Oikawa rose up from his slumped position and his fingertip travelled over the railing, collecting the excess water. His eyes landed on his scarred wrists. The fresh gashes were still bleeding slightly, though the rain washed the blood away, only to reveal the marred and damaged skin. 

He took a deep breath, swinging one leg over the bridge’s balustrades. His knees were shaking and his arms trembling, still hurting from when he guided the cutter knife across his skin.

The brunette didn’t know why he was shaking. He didn’t know whether it was from the raw fear or the cold, or both.

His vision had become blurred, but he had gotten quite used to the reoccurring dizziness. He had dropped a lot of weight because he was barely eating nowadays, too tired or occupied with the demons that were taking a hold of his mind.

Oikawa was at war with himself, trying to at least negotiate a ceasefire, but what were you supposed to do when one part was not keeping their end of the bargain? His mind had long turned into a war-zone, and it seemed like he was losing the battle.

Toru had dark circles under his eyes, even though he was sleeping plenty. He could sleep all day, but it wasn’t restful.

Oikawa didn’t remember what feeling normal was like; didn’t remember what happiness felt like. He forgot how to smile genuinely a long time ago, and if he laughed at a joke his friends cracked, the giddy feeling inside his chest was short-lived.

He tried his hardest to not show how he truly felt, and it seemed to have worked for a while; or so he thought.

He felt lonely all the time, even if he was surrounded by his friends. The odd thing was that he felt loneliest when he was with them.

Toru was still sitting on the railing; his left leg staying glued to the safety of the ground while his right leg was dangling off the edge, no ground meeting the sole of his bare foot. The skin was raw and throbbing, probably split by the rough ground. Running barefoot could have its downsides.

He now realised how skinny he had become, but every time he looked into the mirror he saw nothing but a big, fat blop of failure. There was nothing remotely pretty about him. He was rotten to the core. He deserved the pain that starvation would induce.

The brunette started to hyperventilate as he struggled to let go off the railing. Why was he still holding on when his life was over anyway?

Death would surely safe him from the embarrassment of having to explain himself. If he died, then he wouldn’t have to see the expressions on the faces of his friends. He wouldn’t have to endure the look of disappointment from his parents,and he wouldn’t have to continue living in a world where he didn’t belong anyway.

Death would be so much gentler than the rough reality of today. Death would be the hero to come to his rescue. Death would cradle his broken body and put him to rest, granting him the freedom he so desperately longed for.

So why? Why was he hesitating?

Toru shook his head, and wet droplets of rain fell from his hair onto his neck, shoulders and the naked skin of his freezing hands.

“TORU!” Oikawa froze in his spot, not daring to turn his head towards the all too familiar voice.

 _Iwa-chan_ _._

“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” the raven-haired boy asked, his voice uncharacteristically shaky and uneven.

“L-Leave me alone.” Oikawa responded after a brief pause. His voice was cold, but despite the harshness in his tone, his face told a different story.

“Please don’t. Get down there. Let’s talk things out.” Iwaizumi begged.

Toru could hear the soft clattering of Hajime’s shoes on the ground approaching him, so he looked up, utterly unprepared for the vulnerable expression that was adorning Iwa-chan’s face.

"Don’t...Don’t step any closer.” Toru warned, “I mean it.” He completely climbed over the railing, leaning his back against the cold metal.

Oikawa opened his eyes and looked at the lake, wondering whether he would die drowning or split his head on a rock that was hiding beneath the surface of the water.

"Please don’t. Please!” Tears rolled down Iwaizumi’s face, his voice desperate. His entire expression screamed desperation.

"...I am sorry.” Toru lifted his head up and smiled a warm and genuine smile before he let go of the railing, leaning backwards.

If the ship you had been steering was sinking, then as the captain, you shouldn’t leave, even if it meant dying. There was no point in mending the holes now when the ship had already started sinking.

His closed eyes shot open when he felt a warm hand grab his upper elbow and pulled him back with so much force that he felt the ligament in his shoulder snap.

Oikawa wasn’t prepared for this. He had prepared himself to hit the surface of the water any second now not to find himself pressed against his best friend’s chest. Unbeknownst to Iwaizumi, the brunette had always been in love with him. In secret, unable to work up the courage to confess. Instead, he would joke about Hajime not being able to get a girlfriend.

"You can’t abandon me like this.” The raven-haired teen whispered into Oikawa’s hair.

"I need you in my life. I love you. I’ve always loved you.” The sudden confession shook him to the core, and then Toru started sobbing uncontrollably, clinging onto the ravenette with one arm, since the other was hurting.

"I don’t know what’s w-wrong with me!” Toru’s blood was leaving traces on Hajime’s shirt.

“It’s alright. Everything is going to be alright.” Iwaizumi rambled, “I won’t ever let go of you.” The raven’s voice was soft, so unlike Iwa-chan’s usually rough tone. It was soothing. It felt like eternity. They stayed like this until the rain stopped, embracing each other. Hajime kept talking while Toru just listened to the lullaby that was Iwa-chan’s voice.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment or kudos if you like.


End file.
